Hunkered down behind reinforced steel doors at NEBSRA headquarters, NEBSRA Central Command has rejected out-of-hand Boston Mayor Tom Menino’s plea to cancel the upcoming 2005 Winter Nationals. "We must stay the course!" CentCom officials shouted. (At least, we think that’s what they shouted. They might have shouted "Get off your *rse! [horse?]" Frankly, it was hard to tell, coming through all that oh-so-butch and steely steel.)
The confusion, if indeed there is confusion (and NEBSRA officials -- CentCom in particular -- were far too busy with their new steel doors to bring much clarity to that issue), started when Menino sent out a circular praising "the Patriots" and asking for total support for said "Patriots" who were to be involved in some "ultimate contest" in some place described as "down South" on the day following the world-famous NEBSRA 2005 Winter Nationals.
Menino argued the "home team" could not afford to be upstaged at this delicate point in their drive for wider public understanding and Total World Domination. The mayor was heard to say, "If everyone goes to the NEBSRA 2005 Winter Nationals on Saturday, will they be able to make the Patriots game on Sunday? If not, the Patriots may never recover from such a powerful economic body-blow." Strong words indeed. "Besides," he asked, "when Hell Freezes Over, where’s everyone going to park?" (Now, that’s more like our Tom....)
When it dawned on CentCom that HizHonor was referring to a professional "football" match, they called in EU allies of the NEBSRA Nation, who helpfully suggested he might have meant Manchester United. A quick check of the schedule showed no "Patriots" on their card, and few indeed inside the EU.
On the other hand, a quick peek through the vision slits proved, even beyond CentCom’s world-renowned powers of utter denial, that, Baby, wherever this may be, it is NOT "down South!" No sir! In fact, it looks like Hell Freezes Over!
Meanwhile, NEBSRA race officials declared: "This year’s race promises to be a doozy!." Not since the Golden Age of Belt Sander Racing (ca. 1383-1387 A.H.) has there been such a well-organized event -- and never one with such burly doors.
Top Name entertainment -- Black Tie Affair, and The Chandler-Travis Philharmonic -- have been booked for this NEBSRA spectacular. (The "football contest" on the following day will trot out the same old rockers and teenie wannabes -- all under tight wardrobe control).
This year’s NEBSRA trophies will be "even more valuable and collectible than many items on eBay," said CentCom spokesman LtCol. Adolphus "BeanieBaby" Porkette. "Hoo-Ra!" he added coyly. What we think he meant was: "Those ‘football’ guys only get one trophy to share, and a bunch of rings from a Cracker Jack box. NEBSRA has real trophies!"
While at least half the attendees of the "football contest" will eat "humble pie," and otherwise make do with $20 hot dogs, the NEBSRA 2005 Winter Nationals will feature Bar-B-Que from Moe’s of Dorchester! (You can’t get better than that. No, not even "down South!")
Finally, as if that weren’t enough - the racing, the dancing, the feasting, and the trophies - after all that - Wait! There’s More! The ten dollar door donations at this year’s Race could raise oodles of boodle for Boston area charity, Community Servings. (What? NEBSRA gives to a *real* charity? Now we know it’s "Hell Freezes Over!") The so-called "football contest" on the following day will, of course, only enrich overpaid athletes, greedy sponsors, and power-mad television networks. (Editor’s note: It’s true! We asked several Poli Sci undergrads around town, and they all told us....)
NEBSRA officials remain undaunted. They have vowed to remain at The SanderDome in Jamaica Plain until Race Day -- Saturday, February 5th, 2005, (Noon to Nine) - or until Hell Freezes Over, if necessary, to repel any attempts by the City of Boston (or any other city, for that matter) to take the site by storm - or by eminent domain. Racers and spectators are encouraged to sneak in the back door when no one is looking, and keep your heads down.
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